Stinging tears of regret
by DarkShadow1
Summary: (A/U where Admiral Janeway doesn't come in) Kathryn finds out about Chakotay and Seven. The pain she feels causes things to change...crappy summery but a good read for J/C fans


Star Trek Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount, not me. I'm just borrowing them for the time being.   
  
Summary: Chakotay realizes he made a mistake in accepting a relationship with Seven of Nine. Ends up J/C like everything else I write.  
  
By the way: If "reader" is deciding to critic more of my writing, I'd suggest that you make it a little more brutal. You didn't really hurt my feelings last time, so since I'm such a 'terrible' writer, please, I encourage you, flame it.  
  
That's the end of my rant. Here we go.  
  
Chakotay was sitting in his quarters, Seven of Nine had just left. He felt tired, deflated, like there was nothing left inside of him. He kept trying to tell him things were alright, that he was happy with Seven of nine, that she was what would complete him now. Those statements in his head alone were killing him. Not to mention the look on Kathryn's face whenever he saw her.  
  
He groaned and walked over to his room, and lied down on the bed. He looked at the ceiling. There was really no nice way to go about this whole thing. He had gotten himself into a terrible situation, where he was forced to choose between two women in his life. One who he loved completely with his entire soul, and one whom he was just attracted to. Sure, Seven was a nice person, very logical and attractive, but she lacked what he really needed. He needed that spark, that fire that causes your knees to get weak when the person was around.   
  
  
  
There had been turmoil inside of him ever since their second date. She was using this as some sort of practice...some sort of test to understand human relationships better...or at least that's what he kept telling himself.   
  
There was no test about it, Seven was jumping into this thing with her heart on her sleeve, and he didn't know how to stop her. He had always been an honorable man, always kept to his word, always mended the broken hearts. He never saw himself as the one to break them. Whenever he saw Kathryn, that's when he knew he had surly broken her heart. Her eyes were always clouded when he saw her in her ready room, always a broken woman who smiled back at him now. Smiles never reached her eyes, she looked like she hadn't slept in a month, and he knew she hadn't been eating.   
  
He tried to forget that he was the one who put that look in her eyes. He was the one who hurt her in that way, the way he swore to her he never would. He made a promise so many years ago, on a distant planet, he swore he would never hurt her, he would rather die then to cause her pain.   
  
He sat in silence, trying to close his eyes, but he couldn't. Her eyes were behind his closed eyelids. If he closed his eyes he would see the broken woman in his mind. She was all he could think about, the pain he caused her.   
  
He heard her crying now almost every evening. Her quarters were right next to his, and it wasn't like Voyagers walls were sound proof. Especially to the cries...her cries ring out into his living quarters. There was no escaping them, he had to sit there and listen to them, his own personal hell.   
  
A few hours passed by, and she finally settled into sleep. He sighed, same schedule every night. He has lived this way for close to a week now, and he didn't know what to do about it. He wanted to tell her, wanted to tell her how much he wanted to be with her, but he felt trapped, felt that he had no way out. There was pain filling him with every thought about what he had done to the one woman he would have traded his life for.   
  
He closed his eyes, this time finally drifting off to dreams filled of Kathryn and those haunted eyes...  
  
Duty on the bride would be difficult today. He had nothing to do but sit next to Kathryn until she ran off into her ready room, tears ready to fall down her face with one more word. He came out of his quarters and almost ran into Seven of Nine.   
  
He caught himself, "Oh, good morning Seven."  
  
"Good morning Commander."  
  
He looked at her, "Commander?"  
  
"Yes, I have come to let you know I will no longer require your personal attention."  
  
"Are you...breaking up with me Seven?"  
  
Her eyebrow raised, "Yes, I suppose I am."  
  
He looked at her and sighed, knowing in his heart he wasn't disappointed, "Alright, well, thank you for everything then."  
  
He pulled her into an embrace, and at that moment Kathryn walked out of her quarters. She stood for a moment, watching the scene in front of her. Chakotay pulled away from Seven and looked over at Kathryn. Her eyes were strong, and angry, no where near the hurt and pain he had seen in them as of late.   
  
"Commander, Seven." She said as if that was an actual greeting and walked briskly to the turbo lift. Chakotay looked after her until the lifts doors closed and he saw a solitary tear on her cheek.  
  
"Commander, I am assuming the...rumors are true?"  
  
He looked at her surprised, "What rumors?"  
  
Her eyebrow raised again, "That you harbor feelings for the Captain."  
  
He looked down, "It's not an issue Seven," he said finally looking back into her eyes.  
  
"Commander, if there is anything telling you to go and tell her, I would suggest it."  
  
"Well, thank you for that Seven. I'll keep it in mind."  
  
He walked away from her and into the turbo lift. This wasn't going to be an easy day. He finally got to the bridge and before sitting down next to Kathryn, he took a deep breath.   
  
A few moments of uncomfortable silence went on, and then Kathryn said what he was waiting for, "I'll be in my ready room, you have the bridge Commander."  
  
He didn't look her way, just let her run like normal. There should be rage running through him, since she always ran from him instead of taking their friendship and using it to talk about what was bothering her. He felt upset, but he couldn't make himself angry with her. Her actions were completely normal, if it had been the other way around, he would have acted the same way.   
  
He finally got up, as the bridge crew knew he would, "Tuvok, you have the bridge."  
  
He rang the chime on the ready room and heard no answer. He rang it again, and was finally rewarded with the doors opening. He walked in to see her buried behind a PADD, most likely pretending to read it just so she didn't have to look at him.  
  
"What can I do for you Commander?"  
  
He walked closer to her, "I was wondering if you would care to join me for dinner this evening. We could catch up on some work together."  
  
She looked up at him, "Well, I would consider it if I didn't think it was a pity dinner Commander."  
  
When was she so damn blunt?  
  
"What makes you think this is a 'pity' dinner?"  
  
"I'm sure it's to do with Seven working the beta shift this evening, and what I saw on my way to duty."  
  
He looked at her, "If you wish to have this conversation Kathryn, fine, lets have it."  
  
She looked at him, challenging him with her eyes.   
  
"Ok Commander, lets talk."  
  
She set her PADD down and looked at him. Her eyes firm, she wouldn't give in to her feelings easily, she was the Captain, not Kathryn.  
  
"You made it very clear to me Kathryn all these years, that I would not be anything more than your friend. Ok, I accepted it, I stood by your side hoping that one day you would change your mind. That was over five years ago, a person can only take so much pain and rejection Kathryn. I couldn't do it anymore. I went back to my quarters every evening, hoping that one day I wouldn't have to walk in there and see no one waiting for me. I want nothing more than to have you there to greet me, or the other way around...but I never saw it happen, never even saw it happen in the future anymore. You want to talk about this Kathryn, fine, I took a relationship with Seven of Nine to ease the pain of never having my love that I gave to you returned. But that failed Kathryn, she could see it in my eyes every time I looked at you, she knew. So, she let me go Kathryn, and you know what? I wasn't upset about it, because every night I try to fall asleep I can hear you crying behind me. I can hear you crying and I can see the pain in your eyes every time I try to close my eyes. You want to push me out Kathryn, then stop acting like you love me, or even miss me. Stop using my emotions as a fall back, just so you know that you have someone to fall back on when you can't take it anymore. Forget about dinner."  
  
With that he turned around and started toward the door. A soft sob was heard behind him, he stopped dead in his tracks to look back at Kathryn. Her face was in her hands and her body was being wracked by semi-silent sobs. Spirits, walking away from her would be hard, but he couldn't allow himself to fall now. He had to let her know he was serious, she couldn't use him anymore. He looked back at her one last time and exited her ready room.   
  
The bridge crew looked at Chakotay as he walked past them and into the turbo lift. He walked down to the Holodeck.  
  
"Computer activate program Chakotay49." The doors of the Holodeck opened and he walked into the only place he could be free to think. The program he saved for the times when the pain in his life was so overwhelming he needed an escape. New Earth. He walked back to the rocks next to the river he and Kathryn never had the chance to explore and sat down. He let the light breeze go through his hair, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to let the tears go. He allowed himself to lose himself in thought, allowed the pain to wash over him and finally allowed the tears to flow freely.   
  
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."  
  
"Commander Chakotay is in Holodeck 2."  
  
The doors opened and Kathryn walked onto the Holodeck, and her breath was nearly sucked out of her at the shock. New Earth...Chakotay had a New Earth program. She walked around looking for Chakotay, and finally found him in his favorite spot. She looked at him, tears were streaming down his face, eyes closed, head thrown back. He was trying to free himself into the one place he thought was safe. This was the only place that help happy memories for him, at least she thought they were happy. She never really knew what he thought of New Earth after they left, because it was a forbidden topic, it was as if it never happened.   
  
Chakotay opened his eyes and got up. Kathryn stood there, unable to move. He turned around and saw her standing in front of him.   
  
"What are you doing here?"   
  
She looked at him, pain evident in her eyes, "I came to say I'm sorry."  
  
"You're sorry? What are you sorry for Kathryn?"  
  
"Pushing you away to the point you had to find your happiness somewhere else."  
  
He looked at her for a moment, willing to believe what she was saying. She saw the disbelief in his eyes and she looked down and took a few steps closer to him.  
  
"I'm sorry that I never let go of my own fear to let you into my heart. You have my heart Chakotay, you have owned it since we landed here," she took a look around and looked back into his eyes, "This is where I felt most alive Chakotay. This is where Starfleet didn't matter, where nothing mattered but you and I. I'm sorry that I allowed us to drift so far that you had to run into the arms of Seven...I'm sorry I never did this."  
  
She closed the distance between them and planted her lips firmly on his. He hesitated a moment and then allowed his arms to go around her waist. She broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, "I'm in love with you Chakotay. Stay with me...never leave."  
  
He looked into her eyes, "I don't know what to say anymore Kathryn. What would have happened if I hadn't begun a relationship with Seven, would you have come to me this way, or would I still be pushed away?"  
  
She looked at him, "I don't know, in all honesty, I don't know. All I know is that seeing that I almost lost you made me realize that I can't live my life without you. I want to be with you Chakotay, as long as you'll still have me."  
  
He looked at her, tears were filling her eyes with uncertainty and he kissed her lips softly, "there was never a question on if I would ever give up on you Kathryn, you know as well as I do that I would never be able to. If I could, I wouldn't be standing here right now. I'm still as much in love with you as I have been since the day we landed here on New Earth. I will stay with you Kathryn, but I'm telling you now, I can't do this again. If you take me into your life now Kathryn, there is no turning back...I can't take it anymore. If you are sure about this Kathryn, I will be with you, but if you have any doubt, then tell me now, because I can't be shut out again."  
  
She looked at him, eyes clear and love shinning through, "Chakotay, marry me."  
  
He looked at her, that had certainly shut him up.  
  
She looked into his eyes, "you want it all Chakotay, then answer me. Will you marry me Chakotay?"  
  
He held her a little tighter and whispered into her ear, "Of course I'll marry you Kathryn."  
  
He spun her around and kissed her happily, a peace finally filling his soul that he hadn't felt since they had lived on this planet they were standing on. All of the sudden the small monkey came out of the tree and started hollering. Kathryn looked at the small monkey and laughed with Chakotay, "I can't believe you programmed him in here."  
  
Chakotay let out a chuckle and loosened his hold on her, "You wanted a pet, now you have one."  
  
They looked into each others eyes and kissed a full kiss with all the pent up love and passion that had been building over the years.   
  
She looked at his face and kissed him again, "I love you Chakotay. Thank you for giving me another chance to have you in my life."  
  
He looked at her and held her close to him, "It was never an option Kathryn...never..."  
  
AN: Well that's the end of that one. Again, reader if you are reading this once again, please feel free to flame, I find it rather amusing since you won't sign in and let me read anything you've written, if in fact, you have written at all.   
  
To everyone else who reads my work and either hates it or loves it, this ones for you. To those wonderful people out there who know how to use tact as well as constructive criticism.   
  
This story came from a personal part of my existence, so if you hated it, enjoyed it, found it terrible, then please, let me know how to make my writing better! 


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